


When the Pretty Birds Have Flown (I'm In No Hurry)

by newyorktopaloalto



Series: Derry's Premier Murder/Turtle Cult [5]
Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Chatlogs, Crack Treated Seriously, Dramedy, Every IT canon wrapped into one fic, F/M, Humor, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, M/M, Multi, Post-Canon, Screenplays/Scripts, Texting, Twitter, heavy formatting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21798628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newyorktopaloalto/pseuds/newyorktopaloalto
Summary: Stanley 🐢 Uris ✔ @stanthemanHow?@thefakerichietozier @marshfashions @benhanscomdesign & 341 other users liked this tweetPatricia @pattystweeterAnd also ‘why’?@stantheman.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Audra Phillips, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon/Audra Phillips, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Series: Derry's Premier Murder/Turtle Cult [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1522892
Comments: 8
Kudos: 282





	When the Pretty Birds Have Flown (I'm In No Hurry)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Don't own IT, so please don't sue. Title taken from ABBA's 'Take a Chance on Me'. 
> 
> Offshoot fics can be found at [Derry's Premier Murder/Turtle Cult - Side B](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1563637), which has the first fic already posted. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for continuing this journey with me, and I hope that you all enjoy!

**BuzzFeed ✔ @BuzzFeed** Netflix Just Dropped Richie Tozier’s New Stand-Up Special and You Should Seriously Watch It Right Now

 **Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** i wake up and am assaulted with gifs of my own face. #badmorning #eddiewontstoplaughing

 **just a lint licker @thedancinglobster** this is actually a #joyousday #richietozier _@thefakerichietozier_

**Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** holy shit I’m trending??? [sallyfield.gif]  


> **@bevmarshfashion @eddiek & 2,974 other users liked this tweet**

* * *

**Closed Captioning Enabled**

_[...] is why I have a rightful aversion to mullets to this very day. I went to an eighties themed party last month and it was one of the worst night of my life._

[Audience laughter] 

_Thankfully, Eddie was there -_

[Audience cheering] 

_Yeah! That’s _my_ reaction whenever I think about him! _

[Richie Tozier laughs] 

_Eddie was there and he has the _same_ aversion to mullets - thanks childhood trauma, you scarred seven kids for a fairly benign, if not ugly as fuck, hairstyle - but it wasn’t as though we could leave the party. No, seriously, we really couldn’t, it’s the honest to god truth. So Eddie and I, okay? The two of us - between the two of us we’ve made exactly three new friends in the past year. In no way were we going to ruin two of those three friendships by bringing our mullet trauma into their eighties party - I mean, if nothing else, it’s just bad party manners, okay? Even _I_ know that, and I’ve never been one for proper party decorum. _

_I mean - and this is a true story, you guys - I was over at my friend Stan’s house when we were, like, fourteen, okay? Now, there’s two things you need to know about fourteen-year-old Stan and Richie: one, we were little shits who only enabled each other, and; two, his parents were actually pretty awesome and begrudgingly allowed said shit if we weren’t too obviously crazy stupid about it._

[Pause] 

_We were _always_ crazy stupid about it, we couldn’t help ourselves - it was like a goddamn condition. _

[Audience laughter] 

_Anyways, so that particular night -_

**Program Paused**

* * *

__

**Losers Club 2.0**

**[22:17] Stan** Richie, I swear, if you told the story I think you did…

 **[22:19] Bev** That was actually a true story???

 **[22:19] Bev** Stanley Uris, I never truly knew you

 **[22:20] Patty** Not surprised. He did almost the exact same thing one night when we were dating. 

**[22:21] Mike** And you didn’t immediately break up with him? 

**[22:21] Patty** I found it strangely endearing. 

**[22:22] Bev** Awww, that’s disgusting <3 

**[22:23] Patty** Right? And this was when he didn’t remember doing it the first time. 

**[22:23] Mike** Some things never leave you. 

**[22:23] Audra** okay, so i guess i actually need to watch this thing now. 

**[22:23] Bill** Is that where that scar is from? 

**[22:24] Stan** No comment. 

**[22:24] Audra** so yes. 

**[22:25] Stan** You don’t even know what we’re tlking about--you haven’t seen the special. 

**[22:25] Bill** *talking

 **[22:25] Bev** talking

 **[22:25] Stan** Bill, change your netflix password. 

**[22:26] Mike** Talking

 **[22:26] Stan** Oh, fuck you guys. 

**[22:26] Patty** *Tlking 

**[22:26] Patty** Crap. 

**[22:27] Audra** i’ve finally found my people

* * *

**Stanley 🐢 Uris ✔ @stantheman** How?  


> **@thefakerichietozier @marshfashions @benhanscomdesign & 341 other users liked this tweet**

**Patricia @pattystweeter** And also ‘why’? _@stantheman_.

### 

 **Movie Buzz @moviebuzznews** Is Bill Denbrough’s new film nothing more than Oscar bait? Discuss. 

**steven with a ph @rikernobeard** it’s a horror movie _@moviebuzznews_ so by that alone i’m going to say no. 

**incredible but inedible @adamsparrish** It’s absolutely Oscar-bait, _@moviebuzznews_. Empty, makes you cry during the middle, ultimately meaningless...  


> **@audraaaden @mikehanlon @billdenbrough58 & 43 other users liked this tweet**

**Dakota Unification @heatherjay2021** I know we stan Bill Denbrough through eveyrthing _@adamsparrish_ but have you seen this pic???? found it on fuckgin 4chan of all places 

**Page Six ✔ @PageSix** _@billdenbrough58_ caught kissing another man while his wife _@audraaaden_ is doing final press tour for their eighth joint project, The Varsity Hour. 

**🚀💯🚀 @dizaminnelli** never liked bill denbrough anyways. 

**MARIA @agirlnamedmaria** maybe this means i can swoop in and hope that audra denbrough likes women amirite _@leslienoooope_???

 **Richie “Trash Raccoon” Tozier ✔ @thefakerichietozier** truly surprised that pic wasn’t with _@mikehanlon_ , _@billdenbrough58_. 

**Ben Hanscom 🏠 ✔ @benhanscomdesign** And that _@audraaaden_ wasn’t watching. _@thefakerichietozier_. 

**Audra Phillips Denbrough ✔ @audraaaden** paparazzi finally got more than a Bigfoot blur of you _@stantheman_ \- congrats bb, you’re now having an affair with bill. 

**Stanley 🐢 Uris ✔ @stantheman** I’d rather not, thanks _@audraaaden_. 

**Bill Denbrough ✔ @billdenbrough58** I thought all of you had crushes on me when we were kids. Where has that love gone, Stanley? I am bereft. (Context of kiss: we teamed up to bankrupt _@eddiek_.) 

**Eddie Kaspbrak ✔ @eddiek** rich kept slipping me $500s that he stole from the bank _@billdenbrough58 @stantheman_. 

**Beverly Marsh ✔ @marshfashions** I was handing them over to him happily _@eddiek_ \- I never want a Stan/Bill win. 

**Audra Phillips Denbrough ✔ @audraaaden** the man in that picture is happily married _@PageSix_ but, so you still have a scoop, _@billdenbrough58_ and i do share a mistress ;) 

**Stanley 🐢 Uris ✔ @stantheman** Have you ever played a game of Monopoly where you haven’t cheated, _@marshfashions_?  


> **@marshfashions replied to @stantheman**  
> 
>
>> No.

 **F A S H I O N B A B Y @bradsmith420** i hope that _@audraaaden_ s mistress is that librarian mike that their friends with because he’s a total hottie and i would pay to see the three of them _@richardtozierd_

 **is mayonnaise an instrument? @richardtozierd** _@bradsmith420_ ¿¿¿ikr???

 **I… Am a Librarian @mikehanlon** So, what’d I miss? 

**From Altair 4 @jamesgarener** _@mikehanlon_ [troywithpizza.gif]

### 

  
**Stan**  
Hey, sorry I missed your call--I’m in a meeting. 

**Stan**  
What’s up? 

**Mike**  
Is it possible for me to stay with the two of you for a couple of days? 

**Stan**  
Give me twenty minutes and I’ll call you. 

**Stan**  
But of course it’s okay; when are you coming in? 

**Stan**  
What happened? 

**Mike**  
Nothing. 

* * *

  
**Stan**  
Can you call Mike? 

**Richie**  
yeah

 **Richie**  
¿por qué?

* * *

**Stan**  
Richie, what’s going on? I called but it went straight to voicemail. 

**Richie**  
i am talking to him like you told me to, Stanley. 

**Richie**  
hold your goddamn horses, okay? jeez. 

* * *

**Incoming call from Bill.**

**Accept?**

* * *

**(1) new voicemail from Bill**

**[Audio transcript]** H-hey, it’s Bill, but you p-probably already know that because, you know, Call-ler ID. Um… Is evvv-verything ok-kay? Call-... Call me back. Bye.

* * *

  
**Bill**  
Hey, do you know what’s going on? 

**Richie**  
i’m not equipped to deal with this right now, Billy. 

**Bill**  
What should I do? 

**Richie**  
just talk I guess

**Richie**  
idk it was a helluva lot different with me and Eds. 

**Bill**  
You are unhelpful. 

**Richie**  
if you want someone helpful, talk to Ben. i am exhausted, Bill, and just got back from nyc, and Eddie isn’t home yet, okay? 

**Richie**  
please, for tonight, just let Stan deal with all this shit. 

**Bill**  
Unhelpful. 

**Bill**  
Deal with your shit tonight - I expect your full attention tomorrow. 

**Richie**  
fine, yes, okay. 

* * *

**The Heathers**

**[21:27] Bev** Soooo

 **[21:27] Patty** The drama of it all. 

**[21:28] Audra** okay, so on a scale of 1 to 10…

 **[21:28] Bev** 7--this is manageable 

**[21:28] Bev** It’s probably his own thing, anyways. Mike has always been prone to isolation when he’s going through his own stuff. 

**[21:29] Audra** hes going to atlanta, bev 

**[21:29] Bev** Different isolation. One time when we were like 15 or so, he made sure to hang out with everyone except for bill right in front of his face for like a week. 

**[21:30] Patty** Which came first, the weirdness or the alien-spider clown? 

**[21:30] Bev** The weirdness is how we survived the spider-clown. 

**[21:31] Bev** But seriously audra, it’ll be fine. 

**[21:31] Bev** Even if nothing actually happens, the nine of us pretty much locked in solid you know? 

**[21:32] Bev** I really feel as though you’re the only two people who would accept this shit with so much ease. 

**[21:32] Patty** xoxoxo

 **[21:32] Audra** <33333

 **[21:33] Patty** Now go to bed, Audra, I know what time it is over there. 

**[21:33] Audra** yes mom 

**[21:34] Audra** but im just saying that you ladies should place whatever bets you might have on me 

**[21:34] Audra** because audra phillips denbrough is headed back to the states and ready to get everyones shit together 

**[21:35] Audra** and probably make it worse tbh. 

**[21:36] Patty** Chin up, Charlie. 

**[21:36] Bev** Fuck that movie, and fuck grandpa joe. 

**[21:37] Audra** rtyi reddit.com/r/grandpajoehate

 **[21:38] Patty** [gothefucktosleep.mp3]

* * *

**Audra Phillips Denbrough ✔ @audraaaden** always having to do everything myself #dumbassery

**Author's Note:**

> xoxo


End file.
